Donald Trump revealed his support of a new group assembled to
protest certain politically motivated groups who have been marching all over
the nation in the recent months. This morning, Trump called the group he
supported as “White Lives Matter, More”, which he described to have convened as
an objection to the new anti-police protests of recent months by those he
termed as “terrorist affiliated groups”. He further defined them as a grass
roots alliance, organized with his financial backings. Trump will lead this
group in a rally which they will start next Sunday in a block on the north of
the financial district of New York City. He added that they specifically selected
Sunday as the day of their march, in order to respect working people and not to
interrupt daily business of financial district employees. In response to the
question of the possibility of other racial groups confronting them he replied,
“We have already received a permit from the City of New York for this march. We
have further asked New York police to assist us by making a ring around our
marchers with personnel at least as many as the marchers, and I personally
agreed to pay for the additional expenses the department may incur.” When asked
about the group’s philosophy he responded: “we are trying to make a point that
white Americans were the first to call this land their home by sacrificing
their lives in clearing the land off the heathens. Of course, all the newcomers
from Europe were welcomed, in order to flourish and build the land as great as
it looks today. All other groups are immigrants, and they have to live and work
under our leadership.” He concluded by saying that he had invited all major
media to cover the march.
Hillary Clinton had a press conference this morning. She responded
to the questions about the revelation of her role in receiving contributions
from a group called “Minimum Attempt Forming Interest Accumulation” or
“M.A.F.I.A”. She stated: “The group claimed to be registered as a Super PAC;
however we have recently discovered that their registration was fabricated and
we notified them of our dissatisfaction.” When asked if her campaign would
return the contributions, she confirmed and added: “we will definitely return
their contributions to them as soon as I am elected as the president of the
United States.”
Ben Carson responded to the question about the frequency and
quality of his leisure time, outside of hospital and political campaigning. He responded,
“Considering my passion with brains and brain activities, in my spare time I
work on my own brain. I have succeeded in separating the logical section of my
brain from the part of the skull we brain specialists call “non-functional
section”, so the logical section does not get overused.” In the same
conversation, and on a totally different subject, he stated that “Hanging
Gardens of Babylon” were called hanging gardens because Martians who brought
them to earth forgot to bolt them down, and that is why they were hanging,
until the gravity forced them falling and breaking apart as a result of the
impact. He also deliberated some other interesting archeological observations
about Temple of Artemis, The Mausoleum, Colossus of Rhodes, Statute of Zeus,
and Light House of Alexandria.
Donald Trump’s fundraising of last night, successfully put him on
the top of the republican polls once again. His speech at the fundraising was
titled “Knowing Knoll Knot” that was received with full enthusiasm by the
participants. Our investigation confirmed the price of each plate as $1,000,
which was paid to the participants. Evidently and as we could
find out by interviewing many of the participants, a slush fund was set aside
by Trump’s campaign which advanced the guests of this fundraising speech a $1,000
each, after passing a rigorous skin and language test. At one point Trump bent
down behind the lector for half a minute, and when he raised he was wearing a
black mask, and while squeezing his eyes to mimic a blind person he uttered the
phrase “I just called to say I hate you” in a rhythmic tone. This brought
cheers and laughter to the audience to the point that a few of the guests
chocked on their lamb shanks. In the “Q&A” section of the event, a question
was raised to the identity of the person he was mimicking, which Trump
responded: “only my intelligent followers know who that was; and I like to
leave it at that.”
Bernie Sanders disclosed the contribution he received from the
National Rifle Association (NRA). He claimed that his campaign originally returned
the contribution with a note thanking the contributor and stressing that he
would not receive any contributions from the Super PAC. “A few days later,
however,” Sanders continued “we received the check back with a note that stressed
that they were not Super PAC. They mentioned in the note that not only they
were not a Super PAC, but they were a Super Duper PAC. In that case, we
accepted the contribution.”
Ben Carson had a conversation conducted by CNN today. When
asked about the probability that people would elect another African American
for the second time in a row, he responded that his campaign was not about
race, and even if it was, he did not consider himself as an African American.
Carson claimed that he was in fact as white as Donald Trump was, because he was
born into a white family. Afterwards, he displayed some family pictures to
prove his claim. When asked why his features apeared dissimilar to those
pictures, he responded that it was due to many hours in the operating rooms,
being exposed to the operating rooms’ very powerful projectors.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign has posted their new strategy in staying ahead
of the events by hiring a group of meteorologists and fortunetellers to predict
upcoming events and other candidates’ plans and ideas. Her campaign director
notified us that since their candidate was forced to change her position so
many times, the newly hired group would advise her of the directions she had to
take, so she could adopt that policy ahead of others. They have also created a
nickname for this group of advisors, called “hilarious”.
And Finally:
President Obama, in preparation for his departure from the White
House, is in the process of writing an autobiography about his life and his
accomplishments before and after his presidency. His book is called “I Fooled
You All” which is surprisingly candid and forthright. In the preface of the book
he writes, “I was in fact born in Libya and raised in Syria; and that is why I
was determined to destroy both countries in order to have no traces left.” He
also claims in other parts of the book that he has been born and raised as a
Moslem, and he secretly prays to Allah every night. He continued that he
assisted Edward Snowden to find a sanctuary in Russia, as Snowden blackmailed him
to disclose Obama’s identity if he was captured; the information Snowden apparently
compiled from NSA’s documents about the President’s place of birth and his
religion. Obama is planning to contribute a hardcover copy of his book to a
library under construction in Chicago, much larger than any other presidential
libraries. In an interview about the size of his library, he said, “President
Reagan’s library does not have any book, as he never read a single book outside
of textbooks in his life, and they show films in his library 24/7. I ordered several
thousand books in my library, all of which I have read prior to, or during my
presidency. Those books along with my other artifacts will be kept in the
library, which I ordered the library’s architecture to shape like a drone.”
When asked to name a few titles of the books in the future library he responded,
“You have to pay the ticket to the library and see them for yourself.”
