One Month into Life

I have been here, in this hellish world, for a month now. I don't know how much longer I have to be here, but I hope not for too long.

I have gone through lots, and I am still going through so many changes. I still remember when I was in this wobbly watery thing that was very soft on the surface of my body, as if I didn't have any skin at all. My whole body was profoundly ticklish. I think because I was developing different parts of my body, and they were growing, I felt that way. I did not feel joy, but it was different to be in that environment. It was like being in a vacuum. My whole body was kind of numb. I had hardly any use for my senses, since everything smelled the same, looked the same, tasted the same, and felt the same. There were just different sounds I heard. Every once in a while, I was feeling some type of pain, that was probably due to the bad food my mother was digesting, or whatever else she did that would not agree with me. Apart from that, there was no problem, and I was doing fine in my fishbowl.

Suddenly, the whole world collapsed. I was pushed by my mother's muscles, along with some high-pitched screeching sound which I can still hear when I think about it. My surrounding muscles were moving like an earthquake. As if there was a storm, the pool of water kept throwing me up and down, and to the sides. Those forces pushing my muscles were so hard that sometimes I was reduced to a tennis ball. There were many times that my heart gave up for a few seconds or so. I felt as if that was the end of my short life. Finally, the last push threw me out of my comfortable environment, and I was thrown into this Hell. I was pushed back to a position that allowed my heartbeat to begin pumping again. That was the time my unfortunate destiny started.
I don't know why, but whenever I think of the good times I had, I start crying. I remember it was exactly on the eleventh of April when I was sent to Hell. The first thing I realized was a strong and blinding light hitting my face. Although my eyes were closed, that didn't still help much. There were fast movements in front of those strong lights, as far as I could tell, while someone was pulling me out by putting pressure on all of my body, especially on my head. It was hard to understand why they were doing all that. Then, my ear drums were pierced as a result of the loud noise. This is despite the pain I felt all over my body, especially on my skin. It was probably the air current that affected my skin so much. That was the beginning of my miserable life that still continues. I can write a big volume about all these people and what they have done to me. Just to summarize that, I am going to list some instances of the way people behave around me, and the way they treat me:

• As soon as I open my eyes these days, there is this big face right in front of my nose that yells and screams in a fake squeaky voice in my ears, as if I am deaf. Not only some words are missing, but there is also no verb in those sentences.
• I always try to look at some boring things, such as a white ceiling or a very light wall, in order to avoid them peering at me. But when I look at them, they look straight back into my face.
• When I cry, they stuff this huge nipple in my mouth, as if it is going towards my throat. They keep moving my head around the breast. I have discovered recently that if I sock on the nipples, they are going to leave me alone for a while. However, the milk coming out of it tastes awful.
• Sometimes I feel like throwing up by looking at the way these people behave. In fact, actually and occasionally I do throw up.
• It is interesting to know what makes these people happy. For example, when I wet my diaper, they celebrate! As smelly as it is, as happy as they get!
• After each meal, they put me on their shoulders, and they start tapping on my back. This is probably their custom. However, they keep up with this until I produce some gas. They seem to get very exited then.
• The worst thing is all these different smells that I did not experience before. They keep putting all these clothes, carrying various odors on me, which also hurt my skin.

These are just some instances of what I have endured during this passed month I have been living in this Hell. I am very eager to get out of this situation as soon as possible. When I listen to those clowns around me, it seems to me, occasionally, that this is not going to end soon. Sometimes I get a feeling that I may have to be forced to do some horrible things. For example, I am afraid they might force me to put all my weight on my tiny feet, as they do, or go outside by myself in the cold or the heat. It looks like a horrible thing to do with all those mean-looking people around. They may be expecting me to talk like them too. I wonder why they talk to each other in a different way than they talk to me. After all, I think this is just a nightmare I have, which is being around all these giants with their strange behaviors. I am hoping this nightmare will end soon, and the next time I open my eyes, I will be back in my fishbowl again.
Originally Written on 12th of May 1996