George Carlin

George Carlin is a familiar name for those who enjoy standup comedy. He belongs to the group of standups who have no restrictions in what they say, what is called “Black Comedy”. His specialty was poking fun on taboo subjects. As a result, some of his jokes are grotesque, and some are just off the line. This decision of making everything inclusive in his subject matter would provide him with unlimited material to work on. As a result, some of the most interesting lines were articulated by him, which is remarkably expanded; from English language to religion, race, social structure, science, art, politics, and variety of subjects.

For instance, he created a political puzzle: “Colin Powell spent his entire adult life as a soldier, trying to devise the most efficient ways of killing foreigners for his country. Then he became a diplomat, trying to devise the most efficient ways of getting foreigners to cooperate with his country. Tough sell.” This statement is poking fun at a very famous American General, and at the same time, implies the direction of American politics. The way that he makes a statement, unlike most other comedians, infers as if he is articulating his own ideas, such as this one about the art of singing: “And to be fair, the more i think about it, the more i realize that singing itself is nothing more than a modified form of screaming. It’s actually just carefully organized, socially acceptable screaming. And, folks, i think we have enough screaming in the world as it is.” As it is clear from this statement, there is a political message behind some of his statements. Sometimes, his political statements are straight forward: “During one of those patriotic orgies of self-congratulation that followed the first Gulf War, as General Schwarzkopf was bragging about dropping fire on women and babies, a protester interrupted his speech. The man who had killed a few hundred thousand civilians continued to speak. The protester was charged with disturbing the peace.” To quote another one of Carlin’s smart political statements: “I recently heard the following sentence on CNN: ‘Because of high winds, about 250,000 people in New England are without power.’ I thought, ‘Gee, when you think about it, about 275 million people in the United States are without power. They just aren’t aware of it.’”

A large portion of Carlin’s jokes is about idioms, words, statements, and the way they are used in expressing certain ideas, and as to what political end that statement is used. Also, he keeps records of change of statements that certain groups use in a literature that would benefit them: “If you want the individual to sound shady and suspicious, you call him an Eye-racky. If you want to upgrade him a bit, he becomes an Iraqi-American. If you’re trying to clean him up completely, you call him an American citizen of Iraqi decent.” Another example: “Liberals call it global warming, conservatives call it climate change.” And yet, one more example: “Rich Republicans want to keep their money in the family, and so the Republican party began to call the inheritance tax (a pro-tax term) the estate tax (a neutral term), which they later changed to the death tax (an anti-tax term).”

Many had concluded that Carlin did not know how America became a great nation and he did not care much about the sacrifices individuals had made in order to allow us to live in such a free country. However, it seems from some of his statements that he exactly knew what patriotism meant and where it had come from: “And so, as you see them rushing madly across the landscape, pushing all the buttons marked red, white and blue, be on the alert for phrases such as Old Glory; Main Street; the stars and stripes; the heartland; all across this great land of ours; from Maine to California; and, of course, on American soil.” Not only he understood the language, he knew how this freedom had been attained: “Here are some jingoistic variations you need to be on the lookout for: The greatest nation on Earth; the greatest nation in the history of the world; and the most powerful nation on the face of the Earth. That last one is usually thrown in just before we bomb a bunch of brown people. Which is every couple of years.”

As a child, George Carlin was sent to Christian schools. His knowledge of Christianity is enough to make him enable to poke fun at it, in addition to a general knowledge about almost all religions, which have the same basic assumptions and exercises. One of his books, where most of these quotations are adopted from, is called: “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” The picture on the cover of the book is “the last supper” by Leonardo Da Vinci. This famous painting is photo shopped by adding Carlin’s picture to other disciples, sitting on the table and holding a fork and a knife, anxiously waiting for the pork chops! Considering that Jesus was born in a Jewish family and eating pork is forbidden by Judaism, the title of the book combined with the picture is a joke on its own right. Carlin’s most famous and at the same time most pernicious statements are about religion, mainly Christianity. He has many jokes about religions and how they fools people into submission, some of which will be quoted here. Poking fun at the Ten Commandments is one of them: “i have a problem with the Ten Commandments. Her it is: ‘Why are there ten? We don’t need that many. I think the list of commandments was deliberately and artifically inflated to get it up to ten. It’s clearly a padded list. Here’s how it happened: About five thousand years ago, a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to figure out how they could control people and keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so these guys announced that God- God personally- had given one of them a list of ten commandments that he wanted everyone to follow. They claimed the whole thing took place on a mountaintop, when no one else was around. But let me ask you something: When these guys were sittin’ around the tent makin’ all this up, why did they pick ten? Why ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I’ll tell you why. Because ten sounds important. Ten sound official. They knew if they tried eleven, people wouldn’t take them seriously. People would say, ‘What’re you kiddin’ me? The Eleven Commandments? Get the fuck outta here!’ But ten! Ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system; it’s a decade. It’s a psychologically satisfying number: the top ten; the ten most wanted; the ten best-dressed. So deciding on ten commandments was clearly a marketing decision. And it’s obviously a bullshit list. In truth, it’s a political document, artificially inflated to sell better. I’m going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list that’s a bit more logical and realistic. We’ll start with the first three, and I’ll use the Roman Catholic version because those are the ones i was fed as little boy.

• I AM THE LORD THY GOD, THOU SHALT NOT HAVE STRANGE GODS BEFORE ME.
• THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN.
• THOU SHALT KEEP HOLY THE SABBATH.

Okay, right off the bat, the first three commandments- pure bullshit. ‘Sabbath day,’ ‘Lord’s name,’ ‘strange gods.’ Spooky language. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive people. In no way does superstitious mumbo jumbo like this apply to the lives of intelligent, civilized humans in the twenty- first century. You throw out the first three commandments, and you’re down to seven.

• HONOR THEY FATHER AND MOTHER.

This commandment is about obedience and respect for authority; in other words it’s simply a device for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should not be granted automatically. They should be earned. They should be based on the parents’ (or the authority figure’s) performance. Some parents deserve respect. Most of them don’t. Period. We’re down to six. Now, in the interest of logic- something religion has a really hard time with- i’m going to skip around the list a little bit:

• THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.
• THOU SHALT NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS.

Stealing and lying. Actually, when you think about it, these two commandments cover the same sort of behavior: dishonesty. Stealing and lying. So we don’t need two of them. Instead, we combine these two and call it ‘Thou shalt not be dishonest.’ Suddenly we’re down to five. And as long as we’re combining commandments I have two others that belong together:

• THOU SHLT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.
• THOU SHALT NOT COVET THE NEIGHBOR’S WIFE.

Once again, these two prohibit the same sort of behavior; in this case, marital infidelity. The difference between them is that coveting takes place in the mind. And i don’t think you should outlaw fantasizing about someone else’s wife, otherwise what’s a guy gonna think when he’s flogging his dong? But marital fidelity is a good idea, so i suggest we keep the idea and call this commandment ‘Thou shalt not be unfaithful.’ Suddenly we’re down to four. And when you think about it further, honesty and fidelity are actually parts of the same overall value. So, in truth, we could combine the two honesty commandments with the two fidelity commandments, and using positive language instead of negative, call the whole thing. ‘Thou shalt always be honest and faithful.’ And now we’re down to three.

• THOU SHALT NOT COVET THEY NEIGHBOR’S GOODS.

This one is just plain stupid. Coveting your neighbor’s goods is what keeps the economy going: Your neighbor gets a vibrator that plays ‘O Come All Ye Faithful,’ you want to get one, too. Coveting creates jobs. Leave it alone. You throw out coveting and you’re down to two now: the big, combined honest/ fidelity commandment, and the one we haven’t mentioned yet:

• THOU SHALT NOT KILL.

Murder. The Fifth Commandment. But, if you give it a little thought, you realize that religion has never really had a problem with murder. Not really. More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. To cite a few examples, just think about Irish history, the Middle East, the Crusades, the Inquisition, our own abortion-doctor killings and, yes, the World Trade Center to see how seriously religious people take Thou Shalt Not Kill. Apparently, to religious folks- especially the truly devout- murder is negotiable. It just depends on who’s doing the killing and who’s getting killed. And so, with all of this in mind, folks, i offer you my revised list of the Two Commandments:

First:

• THOU SHALT ALWAYS BE HONEST AND FAITHFUL, ESPECIALLY TO THE PROVIDER OF THE NOOKIE.

And second:

• THOU SHALT TRY REAL HARD NOT TO KILL ANYONE, UNLESS, OF COURS, THEY PRAY TO A DIFFERENT INVISIBLE AVENGER THAN THE ONE YOU PRAY TO.

Two is all you need, folks. Moses could have carried them down the hill in his pocket. And if we had a list like that, i wouldn’t mind that brilliant judge in Alabama displaying it prominently in his courthouse lobby. As long he included one additional commandment:

• THOU SHALT KEEP THY RELIGION TO THYSELF!!!”

No one knows what happened between Mary and Joseph when Mary discovered that she was pregnant by God. Of course no one but George Carlin! This is a dialogue between the two:

“Mary: Joe, we’re gonna have a baby.

Joe: What? That’s impossible. All I ever do is put it between your thighs.

Mary: Well, i don’t know. Something must’ve gone wrong.

Joe: Who says you’re pregnant?

Mary: An angel of God. His name was Gabriel. He had a trumpet and he appeared to me in the backyard.

Joe: He what?

Mary: He appeared to me.

Joe: Was he naked?

Mary: No. I think he had on a raincoat. I don’t really know. He was glowing so brightly.

Joe: Mary, you’re under a lot of stress. Why don’t you take a few days off from the shop. The accounts can wait.

Mary: I’m telling you, Joe. This Angel Gabriel said that God wanted me to have his baby.

Joe: Did you ask for some sort of sign?

Mary: Of course I did. He said tomorrow morning I’d start getting sick.

Joe: But why should God want a kid?

Mary: Well, Gabriel said that according to Luke it’s kind of an ego thing. Plus, he promised the Jews a long time ago, it’s just that he never got around to it. But now that he feels ready for children he doesn’t want to just make them out of clay or dust. He wants to get humans involved.

Joe: Well, is he going to help towards raising the kid? God knows we can’t do it alone. I could use a bigger shop, and maybe he could throw a couple of those nice crucifix contracts my way. The Romans are nailin’ up everything that walks.

Mary: Honey, Gabriel said not to worry. The kid would be a real winner. A public speaker and good with miracles.

Joe: Well, that’s a relief. Anyway, i guess now that your’re officially pregnant I can start puttin’ it inside you.

Mary: I’m sorry, honey. God wants it to be strictly a virgin birth.

Joe: I don’t get it.

Mary: That’s right, Joe.

Joe: Don’t I get to do anything?

Mary: He wants you to come up with a name for the kid.

Joe: Jesus Christ!

Mary: Joe, you’re so heavy.”

The most famous one of Carlin’s religious jokes is, however, the one that speaks to punishment one would receive if the person does not obey the God.

“Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

Of course, everyone misses George Carlin and his bright mind.