Hospitality

There is a Persian expression that goes like this: “Guests are Friends of God”. This reflects the way Iranian culture threats guests. It also implies that God has friends. I wonder if God has enemies as well, i.e. Satan. Accordingly, anyone who believes in God and after-life rewards and punishments promises, such person needs to take a good care of his or her guests in order to receive favorable recommendation. As we know, any dealing with God is reciprocal, which is another story in its own merit.

In fact, we Iranians are proud of our “hospitable” reputation. We never neglect to remind foreigners that not only our cats and carpets are famous, and (contrary to the common beliefs) we do not have a stockpile of uranium and plutonium in our basements, we enjoy having guests over whom we treat royally. A guest can stay in our home for as long as he or she wishes. We sit our guests in the most comfortable spot in the room; we offer them the best food (that we deprive ourselves of); and make agreeable conversations with them. We complement them with phrases such as “you are totally welcomed” or “this house belongs to you” or “you are bringing joy to this house” or “you stepped on our eyes”. Just imagine someone coming to your house and claiming that he has the deed to your house, or tries to step on your eyes. What a sight that would create?

Guests are usually invited ahead of time, or they prearrange with the host of their call. Of course, there is the possibility for the guest to call unannounced. In such situations, from the time that they ring the doorbell (responded with our welcome greetings of “eager to see you, come on right in, you are very welcomed”) until they are let in, they need to patiently wait, as there is always a time lapse. Before we open the door, we need to change our clothes to a more formal one, to open the door of the guest-room and close all other doors, to take off and hide furniture covers, and to take a look at ourselves in the mirror. As soon as guests enter the room, we inquire about their health and the health of all their relations, one by one. Then, we leave the guests alone to get fruits and sweets from hardly accessible areas of the fridge and cupboards and cabinet, and containers, which have been put aside just for guests. Other members of the family may also help in the rush to gather and present our offerings.

In order to preserve the tradition of hospitality, hosts adhere to the following assumptions and principles about guests in general:

- guest is God’s friend
- guest is always right
- guest is always hungry
- guests’ wisdom is through his/ her vision
- guests’ wisdom is through his/her auditory apparatus too
- guest has come a long way, and tired
- if the guest turns down your offerings, you must insist
- guests are reserved by nature
- check the significance of your guests, and treat them according to their status
- the one with the highest standing sits the farthest away from the entrance to the room
- those with higher stations have priority in hospitality and offerings of food
- we always address significant guests in conversations
- children are the most insignificant guests, and our behavior towards them depends on whether adults are around and watching
- guests are welcomed by meeting them at the door when they arrive
- we keep asking the guests to stay longer, no matter how late they are leaving, and follow them to the door and wait until they disappear from our view before we go back in.

Not only departure from one or more of the above principles does exclude the host from future gatherings, it even adds one more layer to the gossips. Of course, as a rule, the host is in competition with others, and in preparing for a party, he or she may think about and consider the times of being a guest himself or herself. For example, by providing an expanded selection of hors d'oeuvre, appetizer, main course, deserts, and drinks, the host may confuse the guests as to what to eat. However, considering the size and the volume of their stomachs, it is up to the guests to decide from which variety and how much they can serve for themselves. As the host, we are responsible to detect the amount and the kind each guest has served, and insists that they should take more and from all selections. If they do not cave in to our persistence, we should complain that they are not interested in our meals. When we invite people to our house, they may ask what to bring, and we insist that they should bring only themselves. Upon their arrival however, we check to see what they have brought, which would inevitably add to the volume of the gossip. Upon their departure, the conversation is merely about them, and what they brought, when they came, how they looked, what they ate, and what they said. Of course, guests play their parts as well, and constantly apologize for being a burden on the hosts, and express their appreciation for the food, the atmosphere, the ambience, choice of other guests, and the warm and welcoming environment created for them. Accordingly, as soon as they leave, their gossiping begins, about our poor hospitality, our manners, our looks, our rotten food, inadequate dining, too much or too little of this or that, and our financial and intellectual poverty. Interestingly, when we are their guests, we switch roles and they do what we did as hosts and we do what they did as guests, as if we all forgot what happened the time before.

It is interesting to know that our social etiquette, such as our behavior towards others, and our eating style are not the subject of anyone’s concern. If we are invited to a party while we are infected with a contagious disease, we may consider enjoying the party more than the chance of making others ill. In parties, we like to spread our knowledge (especially after a couple of drinks) and comment on subjects we do not have any knowledge of. Our kissing each other at the times of arrival and departure is curious, to say the least. We kiss people of the same gender, and when women kiss each other their heads move towards one another without any contact; and when men kiss each other, only their cheeks touch each other, right cheeks first and then left cheeks, and sometime back to the right one again (no one knows why). Most of the people clean their nose with their hands and fingers, and when the dinner is ready, they all pounce towards the dining table with unwashed hands. They speak while chewed and half chewed food pieces are visible through their teeth, and on every pause (comma or period) they swallow a part of it. When sitting across from someone who is constantly talking while eating, it may be necessary to cover our plates with our hands, to prevent the food and saliva he or she is shooting land in our plates. Some believe in being down to earth and eat as they used to do in their village, without utensils; and when they take their paws out of their mouths, oil drips from their fingers. Some friends who are from southern parts of the country are proud of their heritage, by speaking to each other with their native dialect, which is of course mostly understood by others since it is only a dialect, no matter how rude this behavior is.

In the old times, any food designated for guests was separated from other foods. When we bought some apples for instance, we would separate and keep aside the best ones for our future guests. Sweets and dried fruits and nuts were kept in locked cabinets for guests as well. There were mischievous children however, who knew where grandmother had hidden those delicacies, and they would raid them every once in a while. Persian carpets are handmade and expensive. We always took our shoes off before we stepped on the carpet. This rule, however, did not apply to guests, for an unknown reason. They could walk on carpets with their shoes on. If they tried to take them off, the host would insist on keeping them on. Interestingly, the host would do the same, and as soon as the guest left, would take his or her shoes off.

Iranians immigrants in the US, Europe, Oceania, or anywhere else in the world, who have fled Islamic Republic’s rule, live in uncertain conditions with regards to these traditions. They have migrated Persian carpets with them, as well as the custom of walking on them without shoes on. Guests have the same right of walking with shoes on those carpets, as in the old country. However, when the house has hardwood floor, or machine made carpet, should they walk on it with or without shoes, considering that walking on hardwood floor without shoes is not very convenient, becomes a dilemma. Needless to say that Iranians who have lived in foreign countries cannot let go of their traditions. For example, they pray and fast and recite Arabic verses if they are Moslems, while they observe Zoroastrian traditions of Noruz and other festivities. Apparently, the same is not true in Iran any longer, and such traditions (Islamic ones) are not observed by the majority of Muslims, as an opposition to the government. Hospitality is no longer heeded in Iran the same as before either, due to economic sanctions and societal transition and evolution. There in only one belief that is share among Iranians living in or out of Iran: “Guests are Friends of God”.