Build the Life You Want

"Build the life you want" is a book by Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah Winfrey. The subtitle of the book is: The art and science of getting happier. This is a small book of about two hundred pages, and easy to read, containing eight chapters and a conclusion; in addition to some notes and an introduction. It seems like the book was written and prepared by Arthur Brooks, and later Oprah Winfrey added some notes to be inserted in some sections of the book.

The authors begins the introduction section of the book with the story of his mother-in-law, who changed her view of life in her mid-years and started educating herself to become a teacher. Since then, her view of life had changed for the better. Continuing with the story, the author gives a general idea of the book: "You will learn how to manage your life in new ways. However, unlike other books you may have read..., this one is not going to exhort you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps...It's about knowledge and how to use it" (P.XXV).

The title of the first chapter is "Happiness is not the goal, and unhappiness is not the enemy". When a child is crying, it means that the child is not happy. Parents do their best to make the child smile and become happy. When we have a problem, we may not cry, but we are sad, and we try to take care of the problem and become happy again. Therefore, the goal is always to become happy. Then, why does the title of this chapter not consider happiness as the goal?

The chapter starts with the last lecture of Randy Pausch, who was diagnosed with cancer, and he knew that he had a short time to live, but his last lecture was full of cheerfulness. The book gives some other examples of the kind to emphasize the fact that you can enjoy your life even at the worst time of your life: "Here's what we mean when we say you can't be happy. Searching for happiness is like searching for El Dorado, the fabled South American city of gold no one has ever found. When we search for happiness, we may get glimpses of what it might feel like, but it doesn't last. People talk about it, and some claim to possess it, but the people who society says should be completely happu- happy-the rich, the beautiful, the famous, the powerful-often seem to wind up in the news with their bankruptcies, personal scandals, and family troubles. some people do have more happiness than others, but no one can master it consistently" (P.4,5).

It wraps it up by saying that happiness is not a destination but a direction, meaning a direction to the other side of heaven. The authors believe in god and religions, and the final chapter of the book discusses them more descriptively. In the next part of this chapter, however, happiness is explained in more detail. It is defined in different languages as the roots of the word, which are luck, growth, fertility, prosperity, and coziness. In some other languages, the word happiness may have some different characteristics. For example, in Persian, happiness means having good luck (this statement was not a part of the book).

In the following section of this chapter, "the role of unhappiness" is explained. The belief here is that unhappiness is not the opposite of happiness. They are not positive and negative, meaning that unhappiness is not the absence of happiness, or vice versa. They can go together.

The next part of this chapter offers a test of a mixture of happiness and unhappiness called PANAS (Positive and Negative Affect Schedule). On this test, there are twenty emotions (such as interested, excited, proud, afraid,...) listed, and we should score each emotion from one to five for: very slightly to a little, moderately, quite a bit, and extremely. Adding up those scores, the number could put the person into one of the four categories of: cheerleader, mad scientist, judge, or a poet. Each one of these categories is further explained.

Appreciating bad feelings is the title of the next part of this chapter, which examines our feelings about unhappiness. The last part of the first chapter of the book emphasizes being mindful of the source of happiness and unhappiness, as when we enjoy some honey, we should be grateful to the bees who created it.

The second chapter, titled "Managing your emotions," begins with a note by Opera about happiness and some of her experiences related to that. The following part is titled "The power of metacognition," which discusses feelings. Accordingly, one cannot change his or her feelings, but can be prepared for how to react to a feeling. Metacognition is the process of managing one's emotions and separating them from behavior.

The next title discusses the science of emotions and feelings. It talks about three functions of the brain: detection, reaction, and decision, which means anything happening around us is detected by us as requiring an immediate and impulsive reaction, before a decision is made as to how to respond.

What the difference is between primary and complex emotions is discussed next, followed by metacognition or managing one's emotions. It is quoted from Jefferson to count to ten when angry, and to a hundred when very angry, before making any response or decision. The title of the next part explains exactly what this part is about, which advises that we cannot change the world, but change how we experience it. Our automatic reaction to problems is to keep us safe. For example, when a tiger attacked us half a million years ago, the natural reaction was to flee. But today, we should think before we react.

The next part of this chapter is about our memories and how we can change our past memories if they are not desirable. It says that memory is more about reconstruction than retrieval. Discussing metacognition further in the next part, it recommends practicing it in four steps, which are observing feelings when intense emotions are observed, journaling them, keeping a database of positive in addition to negative memories, looking for meaning, and learning from the hard parts of life. The last part of this chapter stresses that we can select the emotion we want.

Chapter three is titled: "Choose a better emotion". This part uses caffeine as a metaphor to explain the way our brain reacts to sudden conditions. For example, when someone cuts us off in traffic, we get angry and attempt to respond quickly. We do not try to get rid of the negative feelings, but to manage them.

The following section discusses negativity bias, which is a tendency to focus on negative, far more than positive information. It recommends three exercises to increase gratitude in life: take thirty minutes weekly to write down five things we are grateful for, study the list for five minutes a night, and update the list once a week by adding two more items. The next part assists in finding a reason to laugh all the time.

The following section advises how to substitute pessimism with hope, by envisioning a better future, and if necessary, taking action towards that. The following part suggests how we can turn empathy into compassion, which is feeling others' pains without being impaired to act. This chapter ends with a part discussing how we can focus more on other people in a productive and generous way, in order to make a better world for others.

Chapter four is titled: "Focus less on yourself". As the title suggests, this chapter discusses the rate of satisfaction achieved between focusing on one's desires versus assisting others. A survey of 263 participants was conducted by two psychologists, dividing them into three groups of moral deeds, moral thoughts, and treat yourself group. The moral deeds group had to do something to benefit others. The second group had helping, assisting, and positive thoughts for others. And the third group did something to benefit only their own. Those groups were given ten days, after which the result was measured by each group's scores. Those assisting others achieved the highest scores, followed by those thinking of others, resulting in more satisfaction in conducting deeds for others.

The second part of this chapter is titled "You Are Actually Two People". This means thinking more about the world than yourself. It recommends three ways to do that: avoid mirrors (as self-reflection), stop judging things around you, and marvel at the world around you. The next part discusses how to stop caring what others think, with the same title. The following part, titled: Don't water the envy weed, reports research of neuroscientists that envying other people stimulates the brain's dACC, which induces pain. The final part of this chapter sums up the last three parts and introduces the new chapter.

"Building What Matters" is the title of the new chapter. It mentions that there are four pillars for achieving happiness, which are family, friends, work, and faith. After a note from Oprah, the following section of this chapter, titled "Build Your Imperfect Family," starts with a notion that spending time with the family can make one happy and unhappy, depending on the circumstances. It talks about five challenges that make family life complicated, and discusses each one.

The first challenge is conflict between members of the family, caused by age and other factors. It recommends three ways to reduce the conflict by not trying to read minds, not asking others to change their values, and treating the family as they expect to be treated by them.

The second challenge is insufficient complementarity, which means the difference between those living in the same family. It recommends three options to work this problem: by seeking differences in personality and tastes, focusing on what really matters, and when trying to meet someone, making sure it is not a blind date.

The next challenge is titled "The Negativity Virus". Negativity can spread in a family in various ways among the members. The way to avoid it is to work on your happiness, then try not to take the negativity personally. One should try to break the negativity by words or actions, and finally try to prevent its spread.

Forth challenge is titled "Forgiveness". For solving unresolved family member conflicts, the best way is forgiveness. There are three conditions, however! Forgiveness is not a charity, it is dismissible, and one should abandon the conflict.

The final challenge is dishonesty. Sometimes withholding the truth can solve the problem, except that the one who is withholding feels dishonest at the same time. We do that in order to create a better opinion of ourselves, avoid a conflict, or protect others. We need to have enough love for the family member to present ourselves as we are, without being dishonest.

The final part of this chapter is titled: "Never Give Up". This section sums up previous discussions in five short paragraphs and expands on those definitions.

Chapter six is titled "Friendship that is deeply real". At the beginning of this chapter, loneliness is discussed by providing a short biography of Edgar Allan Poe and mentioning that many people, such as Poe, lived a lonely life. Then, it talks about friendship and the advantages of that. There are five challenges that one needs to learn and know in order to acquire new friendships. The first challenge is called "your personality," which discusses how to change it from an introvert personality to an extrovert.

Challenge number two is called "excessive usefulness". In this section, it recommends making a list of the ten best friends based on their usefulness. The average person usually has about sixteen friends, three of whom are close friends, and these are the ones who are useful to each other. "Attachment to opinions" is the title of the third challenge, which discusses how insisting on certain opinions can damage relationships. Religion is mentioned as one of the strong attachments.

Forth challenge is magical thinking. It emphasizes that our love should also be for our friends. There are five ways to create friendship, which start by lightening up the heavy love feelings. Then, keep feeling about both people, instead of individually. Togetherness requires financial togetherness as well. Any argument should also be looked at as an exercise. Finally, making sure that romance is always maintained.

The last challenge is titled "The Virtual World." It begins with the experiment of a family participating in a psychology experiment. The result of the experiment was that the use of the internet would cause a decline in family or household communications. This idea is expanded through several pages and ends with two ideas to be followed in order to solve this problem. One is to choose interaction over vegetation, and the second is to create a communication hierarchy. Each item is expanded in detail.

The chapter ends with a new title about friendship, and that friendship does not happen naturally, and in order to expand it fruitfully, one needs to work on it. The five ways to increase friendship are recommended next.

Chapter seven is titled “Work That Is Love Made Visible”. As the title clearly says, it is about the work that one does as an everyday job, and how important it is for the person to enjoy the job that he or she does, as it occupies a third of a person’s life. As with the other chapters, there are several challenges that one must meet in order to have a satisfactory job.

Challenge one is titled: Career Goals. According to a 2022 statistics, only 16% of those who were employed responded that they were very satisfied with their jobs; 37% were somewhat satisfied; and the remaining 47% were either somewhat satisfied or very dissatisfied. It continues to explain how having a career goal can bring satisfaction in a job environment.

The second challenge is having a career path and maintaining it. Staying in a job until a better and more paying job arrives is called the linear career model. There are some other models, such as transitory and spiral models, each of which is separately defined.

The title of challenge three is addiction. Addiction to one’s job is considered a negative trait, and it is discussed before addressing the last challenge, that is, identity, which means that one is identified by his or her job. There are some pros and cons about this that one needs to remember. At the end, these four challenges are summarized. It should be re-emphasized that Oprah’s notes are also part of this book, and they are about the subject discussed in previous chapters.

The last chapter of the book before the conclusion section is titled: “Find Your Amazing Grace”. This chapter is about faith, which seems to be counterproductive for a book of this caliber. In the conclusion section of the book, it talks about how a person becomes happier in general while going through middle ages. That is probably a good conclusion for this book.