There are hundreds of Mark Twain quotes and some of
the ones that have lasted the test of time are the Mark Twain funny quotes.
1. “Never put off till tomorrow what may be done the
day after tomorrow just as well.”
2. “The more I learn about people, the more I like
my dog.”
3. “I was educated once—it took me years to get over
it.”
4. “I was born modest, but it didn’t last.”
5. “Get your facts first, and then you can distort
them as much as you please.”
6. “We ought never to do wrong when people are
looking.”
7. “No amount of evidence will ever persuade an
idiot.”
8. “Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed
person.”
9. “A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad
memory.”
10. “When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries
disappear and life stands explained.”
11. “Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a
sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom.”
12. “To eat is human; to digest, divine.”
13. “There are no people who are quite so vulgar as
the over-refined.”
14. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to
remember anything.”
15. “The funniest things are forbidden.”
16. “If there are no cigars in heaven, I shall not
go.
17. “There is no sadder thing than a young
pessimist, except an old optimist.”
18. “If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let
us do it.”
19. “Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my
mind the most.”
Twain tried several careers during his lifetime. He
became a riverboat pilot, printer, gold miner, journalist and traveled across
the country trying additional jobs, and worked for his brother’s newspaper. The
experiences led to more than one famous quote from Mark Twain. Many of them are
funny, and all of them make you think, such as these:
20. “Never argue with stupid people. They will drag
you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
21. “The man with a new idea is a crank until the
idea succeeds.”
22. “Don’t part with your illusions. When they are
gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.”
23. “Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the
company.”
24. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little
or no influence on society.”
25. "Work is a necessary evil to be
avoided".
26. “I don’t like to commit myself to heaven and
hell—you see, I have friends in both places.”
Twain did not have a college education. He learned
through apprenticeships and job experience, as many do. He did not believe in
people's praise, but instead, he found humor in reflecting on the stupidity of
people. Here are some of the best Mark Twain humor quotes:
27. “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the
majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
28. “The man who does not read has no advantage over
the man who cannot read".
29. “I never let my schooling interfere with my
education.”
30. “Don’t go around saying the world owes you a
living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”
31. “God created war so that Americans would learn
geography.”
32. “All generalizations are false, including this
one.”
33. “Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them,
the rest of us could not succeed.”
34. It usually takes me more than three weeks to
prepare a good impromptu speech.
35. “The trouble ain’t that there are too many
fools, but that the lightning ain’t distributed right.”
36. “I’ve lived through some terrible things in my
life, some of which actually happened.”
37. “All you need in this life is ignorance and
confidence; then success is sure.”
38. “All good things arrive unto them that wait and
don’t die in the meantime.”
39. “Sanity and happiness are an impossible
combination.”
Mark Twain: America’s First Stand-up
Comedian
Twain is believed by many to be America’s first
stand-up comedian. In 1894, he began his world tour in India and other
English-speaking countries. During his stand-up performances, he never cracked
a smile. He did not use notes and spoke from memory during the 90-minute show. His
122 nights of performances occurred when he was in his late 50s. Here are a few
more funny and famous Mark Twain quotes:
40. “Men are like bank accounts. The more money they
have, the more interest they generate.”
41. “When angry, count to four; when very angry,
swear.”
42. “Get your facts first, then you can distort them
as you please.”
43. “No real gentleman will tell the naked truth in
the presence of ladies.”
44. “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the
world. I know because I’ve done it a thousand times.”
45. “Behind every successful man, there is a woman –
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.”
46. “Classic – a book which people praise and don’t
read.”
47. “All of us contain music and truth, but most of
us can’t get it out.”
One of the most important humor awards in the United
States is named after Mark Twain. The prize honors humorists who have made a
lasting impact on American society and attained success in generating their own
type of humor, as Twain did. The first Mark Twain Prize for American Humor was
awarded to Richard Pryor in 1998. Other recipients of the Mark Twain Prize for
American Humor have been Jonathan Winters, Whoopie Goldberg, and others. The
award is presented at a ceremony held at the Kennedy Center during the
Celebration of American Humor. The prize is a bust of Mark Twain. Let's keep
the humor going with a few more famous quotes by Mark Twain:
48. “Honesty is the best policy – when there is
money in it.”
49. “Concerning the difference between man and the
jackass: some observers hold that there
isn’t any. But this wrongs the jackass.”
50. “I have made it a rule never to smoke more than
one cigar at a time.”
51. “Action speaks louder than words but nearly as
often.”
52. “Be good and you will be lonesome.”
53. “Familiarity breeds contempt –and children.”
Mark Twain Comedy
Twain always seemed to see the positive side to any
situation. He used the pen name of Mark Twain as he wrote novels such as
Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. He took the name from his old riverboat pilot
years earlier. Twain studied people wherever he went and was able to sum up so
much of life within a string of words that often became famous sayings. Some of
the best Mark Twain quotes are his reflections of the human race and all of the
idiosyncrasies of people.
54. “If you don't read the newspaper, you're
uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.”
55. “Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act
would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink – under
any circumstances.”
56. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you
don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
57. “What would men be without women? Scarce,
sir…mightly scarce.”
58. “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”
59. “Politicians and diapers must be changed often,
and for the same reason.”
Mark Twain’s Connection to Missouri
Samuel Clemens, better known to the world as Mark
Twain was born on November 30, 1835, in Florida, Missouri. In 1839, at the age
of four, his family moved to the port town on the Mississippi River of
Hannibal, Missouri in search of more opportunities. The fictional town of St.
Petersburg in The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and The Adventures of Huckleberry
Finn are based on Hannibal. His stories in Missouri and down the Mississippi
River became known as frontier humor. There are many stories of how Mark Twain
got his pen name, but it is said he usually claimed that he got his pen name
from a riverboat captain. Twain wrote over 20 novels in his lifetime. He also
wrote many quotes full of his unique humor and descriptions of humanity’s
behavior. Twain's ability to string together the right word is a good thing for
all of us who are left with his words of wisdom! Twain’s sense of humor and
viewing the world through satire may have been his best way of overcoming his
personal fears. He realized that the only way to overcome this fear was to live
the best life possible, and said that “Good friends, good books and a sleepy
conscience: This is the ideal life.”
60. “ Good friends, good books and a sleepy
conscience: This is the ideal life.”
61. "April 1. This is the day upon which we are
reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four".
63. “Always do what is right. It will gratify half
of mankind and astound the other.”
64. "I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a
nice letter saying I approved of it".
65. “A lie can run around the world six times while
the truth is still trying to put on its pants.”
66. “Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of
an eyewitness.”
67. “History never repeats itself, but it does often
rhyme.”
The wisdom Mark Twain shared through his humorous
and timely stories still rings true today. So many of the Mark Twain quotes are
full of wisdom and so many are just funny! Mark Twain contributed a lot to the
world through his writing. As he reflected late in life, “I am an old man and
have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
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